Thoughts #16: What's my Purpose?

2/21/25

So, I've got a deeper topic to discuss; really I just want to get some thoughts out there and figured I may as well put it on here.

Why am I doing this? What is my purpose?

I'm not asking rhetorically. I'm actually asking myself this question.

I keep going back and forth recently on what I want to write. Recently I wrote some scenes in Origins II that were bound to lead to a completely difefrent series. But is that what I want?

Back in the day, I was really into anime. I still like a lot of parts of it, mainly the storytelling. I think anime fun and only focused on its own story, not what's popular so you can sell more copies. Manga or light novel authors just write what they want to. That's what makes their work great! (Sometimes it means it's bad too, it just depends on the author's skill.)

So am I trying to replicate that? Do I want to write manga and light novels?

My family had told me my writing reminds them of anime. That was something I heard a few years back and it hurt... I wanted to distance myself from anime as the popularity around it shifted. When I was in high school, there was a different community around it, but as I went into college anime gained popularity and changed. It became cringy.

Even now living in Japan, I am so embarrassed to discuss Japan or Japanese media with anyone in America. I feel like I'm always being judged. I hate it! I walk on eggshells about my own interests or personality.

But I like it. Anime that is. (I can't believe I'm actually saying it, but yes. I like anime. Kinda.)

I haven't watched anime just for the sake of it in years. And I have no intention of changing this. I still don't like anime, but manga and Japanese media is different. Not everyone sees it that way though. All Japanese media is anime or anime akin to them, or that's how I think they see it. Perhaps that's just what I fear they see, and so I believe that's what they see.

"Perspective is reality."

So what do I want? What does anime have to do with any of this?

My family was right. My writing is very similar to anime. I need to change how I personally view this though. I have more perspective. Obviously I'm not making an anime, though if down the line an anime was made for my work that would be awesome! (I don't understand my own thoughts here clearly!)

Maybe I'm writing something more like Japanese light novels. But then again, I avoid a lot of the classic tropes in those, just to make "western" stories.

I'm confused...

So what am I saying? (Still asking myself.)

I need to accept my writing. But I need to accept it and not turn it into something it isn't. I'm not going to write western style books, I'm not going to write Japanese style books, I'm going to write my style books. If those seem Japanese to people, oh well! Japanese light novels were a huge inspiration for me back in the day. I can't stop that now. It has an effect on me.

But that doesn't mean I need to write anime tropes either. Down the line, I may want to write series directly acknowledging Japanese writing. For now I'm going to have fun in other respects. I want to make a solid base for myself. I enjoy limiting my stories a bit, and looking forward the the creativity I can take later on with an actual audience.

Nowadays, I allow myself to get too worried about what others think, when no one is even reading my stuff. But, it should be just for me right now. As far as current me needs to worry, this is a hobby I'm taking to a higher level: publishing.

I'll aknowledge here. I like anime. (I'm saying it again.) But I don't like anime. That probably doesn't make sense to some people.

I like Japanese art, music, storytelling, etc. But I don't like watching actual anime. I'll read manga or even light novels, but I cringe at the idea of watching the same series on TV. If it's live action, maybe I change my mind.

Admiting it is the first step. I need to accept this fascination, because it drives me forward. I like the look of anime art styles. I dream some day World of Ngash could have an anime of it's own. I would watch that (if it doesn't feel egotistical!) and I would enjoy it. But that's because it's my work, not because it's anime.

Here's another way to explain it. I love mac and cheese! But I don't like it just because it's mac and cheese. I don't go out of my way to eat it either. If I see a good plate of mac and cheese with bacon I may eat it, but it's not just because it's mac and cheese. On the other hand I like pasta and cheese, so I like the things that make up mac and cheese.

Pasta on its own is not mac and cheese. Cheese on its own is not mac and cheese.

Japanese writing on its own is not anime. Japanese art on its own is not anime. (That's just the only word we have to describe it.)

Anime is everything put together into a TV show, or movie. I like the facets of anime on their own, or in specific mixtures. But I don't like it all together.

It's like if I liked pasta and cheese, but not when they were together.

I hope that all makes sense.

These leaves the final worry I have to address.

My family has told me anime art will turn some people off. This is true. And it hurts. Because those people are not reading my heart behind it. But how could they?

Everyone views the world through their own lense. Everyone is selfish and doesn't take into account others experiences. If you say you don't, you're lying. Obviously even I do this.

If I saw some unknown author writing stories with anime art, I may avoid it too, because of the stigma I have started to develop. (It hurts! It's so confusing to me! I want a therapist to break this logic down and explain it to me so I understand what I'm suffering from...)

So if I'm willing to do this, others are as well. But it still hurts when it's done to you. I'd like to say, "if you don't like it just don't engage with that side of it." But if I go back to using anime art for concept art, it will became a core part of World of Ngash, and it will alienate those who don't understand. Because how could they? We're all selfish creatures, unable to udnerstand someone's perspective until we get to know them. But the internet isn't great in that regard.

So what am I getting at now?

I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to accept my own stigmas and work through this issue. I want World of Ngash to take inspiration from what I enjoy. If it doesn't, I'll wake up one day with a fanbase, but hate my own writing.

On the otherhand, I'll rein myself in. I've already seen what could happen if I let myself run wild. Origins II could have turned the series in an unwanted direction if I wasn't careful. That's not what I want either.

I made my purpose in life clear when I was just a little kid, and I stick to that purpose to this day. My purpose is this: to bring other's joy and entertainment. I want to do this through books. But if I'm suffering through it, I'm not bringing myself joy.

I'd argue that maybe the point of World of Ngash too. To bring joy and entertainment to others.

That's my goal and my purpose. And I want to do it my own way.

I'm in my mid-twenties and I still struggle with self-acceptance and how I'm viewed. But screw that! I'm smart enough to rein myself in, but I'm sick of doing it for the sake of others.

I'm going to do things my way, with God's direction. He made me the way I am for a reason. He gave me my interests and fascinations for a reason. I won't go off the rails for Him, I won't fail myself either. I'm wise enough to use discretion, but too sick of complying by my fear of what others think.

This is a deep conversation, so I won't attach any concept art. I don't think I have anyone reading these blogs as of now, but I'm going to write as if I do.

Instead I'll say this. The first time you may see this take effect is Demise. My plan is for a December release there. If I want to stick to schedules, I will! I won't restrict myself to them, but I'll do this how I want. If I fail it's on my shoulders. But I'll keep listening to God, because I believe He's called me down this path. Right now, only His and my perspectives matter. Others imput is important, and I'll take advice and critiques anyday. But at the end of the line, it's me and God who will be making the decisions. Not society, or what I think society wants.

I want to bring joy and entertainment to others, and this is my path forward. I'll do it my own way and face the highs and lows to come feeling confident in myself and my work. Sometimes I'll fail, sometimes I'll succeed. I'd rather die and say I enjoyed myself the whole way even if no one else cared to read, than to die a multimillionaire but hate the work I've done.

I'll leave it all there. Expect "normal" storied from Origins and Foundations. As per it's premise, Demise will have a more "anime" feel. That was sort of the plan from the beginning, but now I'm accepting it. I want World of Ngash to be more than one genre or style, so (gosh darn it!) I'm going to do just that!

Have a great day! I'm glad I got this off my chest!

Don't ignore the world around you, but don't be afriad to be yourself. Find balance! Love youself, love those around you, and be someone the world can love back.